post four

screen is blurry, no not on the piss again but upset. need to give louis a big hug and a kiss and i cant. feel ill still and finding it very hard to deal with having louis for such a short space of time and then giving him back. need to tell him i love him and make sure he is ok and i cant. shit. tears stinging my face got to get some rest but already know that im gonna struggle to coz i know im such a let down in many ways.people say couldnt u have stuck it out for the kid? well it was always going to end up like this so no probably not. and i feel such a failure not being able to pay for nursery which he needs so badly. i feel guilty going for a pint on occasions but shit i have got burdens that drive me to drink and sudden urges to do non constructive things like drink, smoke, gamble and party hard. wish to god the house would sell just for a bit of closure. all gone quiet on the divorce front so everything is yet again at a standstill. took a book to work today but i was kidding myself that i was gonna read it. as if i can feasibly take a book entitled "porno" into work and sit there muse like while certain colleagues wonder and actually ask me in some cases what im reading as their gazes set firmly on the cover picture........a blow up doll with her mouth gaping open lol!! need to get my shit together.